Gloomy Christmas
by Kathaz K
Summary: In which things between Derek and Addison go a very different way after he arrives at Joe's on Christmas Eve.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And, like them or not, love them or not, understand them, or not… you cope._

Joe's is packed. Having a bar across the street from a hospital means you can count on having a full house even when most people usually retreat to the warm coziness of their family. Like me and Derek used to do. Every year Carolyn had everyone over and her house would light up with the laughter of our nephews and nieces running around and the immersing conversations of the adults. Not like Bizzy and the Capitan who merely sent us a card year after year. Well, this Christmas wouldn't be like that at all. I imagine Carolyn has invited Derek over, and Mark of course, but she isn't very fond of me since certain events have unfold.

But Derek didn't mention anything so here we are spending Christmas in rainy, gloomy and unfriendly Seattle. I wish I could bottle down a cocktail to feel the warmth of which this holiday reminds me, so I order a special holiday-only hot buttered rum for Derek, who should be arriving any minute, and take a few sips. Unfortunately it's not enough to put me in the festive mood.

Derek comes in looking tired. Not the tiredness of someone who has been working for 48 hours straight, because let's face it, surgery is more of a super enjoyable escape from dealing with the messy reality that is our relationship.

I start offering him his drink wanting to blurt out the secret that has been eating me inside for the last couple of weeks. In other circumstances it actually would give a really great Christmas present, but right now is one more complicating factor in our already less than uncomplicated situation. Anyways he doesn't let me speak.

"Let me get this out of my chest right away" he exhales "Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love. I'm not saying this to hurt you or because I want to leave you. Because I don't." Great this is going that way. "Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

I want to childishly say something about an undying love for Mark just to get back at his face but I shut up and try to process what he declared so decisively. It is nothing that I don't know already, Meredith Grey's face keeps popping up at every corner of the hospital, her name in almost every conversation we have, but hearing him saying it like this, on this date that we used to enjoy so much together, huts more that I want to admit.

"Ok" I tell him, obviously not an adequate expression of the complexity of thoughts that are going through my mind at the moment. "Look, I have something that I want, no, need to get out of my chest also" I make an ironic dramatic pause, letting the inquisitive look morph his face as well. "I'm pregnant" I have been waiting for the right time to tell him, although each moment seems less suitable than the last. "Shit, I know this complicates things, but I don't know…" Fuck, I don't swear. Oh I did it again on my mind. Well I'm not the same person that I was before moving to this godforsaken town and this situation deserves some loud swearing.

Derek doesn't say one word, he just stands there for a while, which seems more like an eternity, and then storms out, much like he did a couple of months ago in reaction to other, I guess you can call it, disturbing news. Derek doesn't know how to deal with some things upfront I've come to notice. I wonder if this inability has something to do with repressed feelings about the death of his father.

After a while I go out as well, no use in staying in a bar alone when you shouldn't be drinking. I find Derek sitting in the car listing to some network station which is playing a marathon of The Clash. The front window is blurred by the pouring rain, that's Seattle in all its splendor once more, but I can see he is just sitting there not moving, eyes locked on the license plate of the car in front. I join him and he drives to the rectangular shape box of metal we call home… without a single word.

We get ready, we lie down in bet like there is an ice cold river separating both sides and once more he says nothing. I don't break the silence either. He must be deep in thought, maybe about our little problem or maybe about her. Anyways, it is too awkward to talk right now, after a 27 minute and 13 seconds silent drive. I just go right into a dreamless heavy sleep hoping the next day will bring some light on the matter… and some words to Derek's mouth.

-/-

I wake up Christmas morning with an empty bed beside me. I consider getting up, but the coldness of the air and the slight nausea keeps me from doing so. Lying motionless in bed is a great way to avoid dealing or even having to acknowledge your problems. I don't know how much time passes, maybe seconds or days, probably just a few hours. The phone vibrates on my bedside table a bunch of times. After it is done vibrating for the fifth time, counting meaningless stuff being another great way to pass time, I check on it. One text from Savy, wishing happy holidays, one from Amy wishing "endurable holidays and happy Derek", always spot on with the irony that kid, and three missed calls from Nancy.

From the four of my sisters-in-law, Nancy has always been the one to whom I relate better. Not to say I have a bad relationship with any of them, but she is the closest to my age, same medical field, we are more like really close college friends, those who stay forever and every time you meet you click right away, even if you don't see each other for a long time.

As I am about to put my phone down it starts vibrating again, this time precisely on my hand. The caller ID displays Nancy. Without hesitation I press answer.

"Hey, Addie, it's Nancy!" obviously it is her, why do people always say that? I mumble some greeting in return. "Just calling to check on you guys since you haven't come over and my dear little brother doesn't answer my calls!"

She doesn't know but her timing is perfect. I can't stand the silence anymore, dishonoring my great Bizzy-like education of holding everything in, my emotions take over and I vent to her. Everything. In detail.

**A.N. - Part 1 of a 3 part story. If you find any mistakes please correct me as english is not my first language. Btw Seattle inhabitants sorry for bashing it, but at this point Addison really hates it there xD Thanks for any reviews in advance ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_There are mystery things Dr. Stevens. You never know what may penetrate the psyche_**_._**

Mr. Epstein's frontal lobe's second craniotomy went very well. Actually it went as well as it could have. And the holiday carols seem to have actually penetrated is brain, because his mood returned to normal. It's a shame that they couldn't have entered my brain as well. I just want to forget that today is Christmas, a holiday that I used to enjoy so much. Shopping for all the kids, getting together with the whole family, getting cozy with Addison by the fireplace, even all the disagreements with Amy seemed so senseless this time of the year. But not this year. No family, no presents, no tree or fireplace. I am feeling this anti-holiday venom going through my veins that is hard to describe.

In reality I'm filled with such a sense of anger and injustice that the first thing that comes out of my mouth when I see my wife sitting at Joe's trying to make this an at least tolerable Christmas is a declaration of my love for Meredith.

Seriously, if Addison wanted to make this Christmas happier for me she could just have disappeared for the day. Obviously, this is my "silly" brain lobe talking, because in reality I don't know what I want. In one hand, I want to improve my relationship with my wife, for us to be Derek and Addison again. But that is just impossible, because every time I see her I see Mark on top of her, in my favorite sheets, destroying not only an 11 year marriage but also a lifetime friendship. How could they? How could they hurt me so much when I was just doing my job, taking care of people who really needed ME, not some other second category resident. I get filled with blind anger that I can't see anything in the future for us, just that horrifying event in our past.

And in the other hand there is Meredith. When she smiles everything lights up, everything is so easy with her, whereas simply making conversation with my wife is an unimaginable chore. I wish I could be with her and her weird but funny intern friends, like Stevens with her crazy Christmas fondness which actually reminds me a little bit of Addison. Speaking of Addison she doesn't seem angry at my words, her face displays more of a shocked sadness. Well maybe it wasn't the best time to say something like that but I really needed to get it out of my chest.

"Look I have something that I want, no, need to get out of my chest also" She then proceeds to make a pause so long that it seems like we are in one of those telenovela scripted moments. "I'm pregnant."

What? No, no, no… this is not happening. Well, I love kids, and I love Meredith and this is too much to take in right now that my brain feels like a messy scene after an explosion. Her mouth keeps moving, but my brain doesn't process the words she's saying. Obviously all the communication routes are shut down after a freaking explosion.

I immediately leave for my car. I need a quiet place to collect my thoughts. I tune in to my favorite radio station. Weirdly an image of a bright future seems to emerge in my mind. A little boy with bright blue eyes running around in our Seattle land, while me and Addie are in an embrace contemplating our creation. No, there it is again, everything fades to black and is replaced by an image of her and Mark, on my favorite bed sheets! And then Meredith, half naked at her mother's house the morning after we met.

Addison joins me in the passenger seat. I want to say something, but I can't decide on what to. Clearly you can't say something mean to your wife after she tells you she is expecting your child, but nothing else comes to mind so I settle on saying nothing. The whole freaking way! I try to drive as fast as I'm allowed so that it doesn't have to be so awkward, but it is. From the corner of my eye I look at her. I'm surprised she doesn't say anything to me either because lately she has been nagging me all the time, or maybe that's just the way I perceive every conversation we have. She seems like she is about to cry and I feel like holding her hand. Maybe I still do care about her or maybe it's just the effect of the recent news I've received. Either way I don't have the guts to do anything, to make a decision about the women I love.

I pull over to the trailer and we exit, still under the pouring rain that releases that smell of wet dirt I love so much. Rain is one of the two things I love Seattle for, the other one being Meredith.

When we lie down our bodies don't touch. It's not like we are doing it on purpose but it is an adequate reflection of the state of our relationship.

I don't really sleep for the whole night, but I can feel that Addison does. My mind is racing through so many thoughts all at the same time that it makes it impossible to shut down. Eventually I look at the digital clock at my bedside table, it displays 5:03 am and I decide to get up. At the hospital I make sure that I have back to back surgeries, so that I don't have to think about anything but the intricate procedures I am preforming.

Meredith is helping me in the second cranioplasty of the day. She is close to me, looking into the endoscope lenses, I can hear her breathe, I can smell her, the sexual tension taking over my body.

"Addison is pregnant" I tell her when we are alone scrubbing out after flirting for a while. I don't know why I am saying this to her, sometimes I feel like an inexperienced idiot around women, but to her I feel that I can say anything.

"What the hell Derek? We decided to be friends, but it's not nice of you to scrub your happily-married joys in my face without a warning, I'm not that kind of friend!" She seems really pissed. I thought that maybe she could help me gather my feelings about this but I was obviously wrong. Probably she thinks I'm happy about this? Maybe I am, I don't know. Does she really just want to be friends after what we have experienced or is there something more? She storms out of the scrub room as I star felling a crippling headache behind my eyes, probably from sleep deprivation or due to too much thinking.

I go to an empty on-call room and lock the door. I try to sleep but it is useless, so I open my laptop to go through my work emails. Later as I look to the toolbar, right next to the digital clock icon that displays 4:16 pm, I see the light-blue Skype icon blinking. I don't intend to answer it but I go over it with my mouse anyways and I see it is that person to whom you can't not answer, she would know right away I was ignoring her. I reluctantly answer the call.

**A.N. - Writing Derek sure is hard, because if it was for me he would just stay with addison and that's it xD Who's calling Derek, any guesses? I tought this person should appear at the hospital to be more of a cliffhanger, but it is more realistic this way. As many authours say, reviews are a drug and I need my fix, so you know what to do... ;) **


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3_**

_To be a good surgeon, you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes, you're faced with a cut that won't heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open…_

"Derek Christopher Sheperd! Why in the world did you not answer my calls?" His mother's familiar voice echoed through his headphone speakers.

"Sorry Mom, I…" He was immediately cut off.

"I wanted you to spend Christmas with us Derek! You leave, you don't speak to anyone for months apart from calling once and having the kindness of telling us where the hell you ran to!" She sounded so angry.

"I'm sorry mom, I didn't feel like celebrating the holidays this year, you know, given the circumstances…" He was cut off once more. Oh boy, he better start getting ready to hear it good.

"That is not an excuse not to talk to your mother, Karen says it's sort of normal, but I don't think so."

"I'm sorry." Was all he could reply.

"Alright Derek, I love you, I wish you were able to be happy… You know, since your wife decided to scratch an itch, Mark has been really upset also, it's like my two boys have been damaged and I can't stand it."

Now it was his time to interrupt her. "Don't even talk to me about Mark! It is much is fault as it is Addison's!"

"Well, despite what your sisters so intensely argument, I have to disagree. I believe your wife can be very manipulative." She was speaking in a calm manner this time.

"Mom, please, don't say such things… even though I'm really hurt, she's still…" His voice cracked at that statement.

"Yes, yes, let's get to the point Derek. I've always been critical about Addison and I'm very hurt at what she did to my boys, but I need to put some sense into your little world class neurosurgery brain!"

"What do you mean? What do you know?" Now he was measurably scared. Carolyn Sheperd could be a loving mother one second and a fierce beast the next, even to her own son if need be.

"Well, apparently Nancy was able to reach Addison after calling like a crazy person during our quitet little Christmas evening and she had news I wish I had heard from you…" Dammit, she already knew of his new source of problems. "And I hear she had quite some upsetting comments about your behavior."

He was without words. Like a little boy listening to his mother's nagging after breaking a precious flower jar.

"I'm disappointed Derek, I didn't raise you with those values. Despite everything else, if you're going to have a kid together you need to acknowledge it, you need to take responsibilities! You need to behave like an adult!"

"I know mom, I know, I…" He was in tears. He wasn't used to showing that side to many people, but this was his mother and it was also a very delicate situation. "I'm scared, because for the first time in a long time I don't know what to do…"

"I'm listening" Carolyn used a tender motherly voice.

"I know I still have feelings for Addi and having a big family is my dream Mom, you know that… But every time I look at her it hurts, I just can't but behind my back what happened between her and…" the anger in his voice was clearly noticeable at this point. "…Mark!" He grew silent for a moment, thinking about how to expose the second part of his dilemma. "And there is another woman Mom, Meredith…"

"So I've been told" his mother said in a non-judgmental tone.

"Mom, I know I love her." He purposely stressed the word know. "Being with her is different than anything else I have experienced before."

"Derek, I want you to follow my advice. You need to figure it out." Now it was Carolyn's time to stress the word need. "It is not good for anyone involved to live in uncertainty. Not for you, not for Addison, not for that girl Meredith, hell even not for your kid!" And not for Carolyn either, it pained her so much to see her son's life falling to pieces. "You don't have to make a fast choice Derek, you could even stay single for some time, but you should talk to your wife and discuss your feelings and your future together." She paused for a bit. "You know, I'm worried she would make some stupid harsh decision on her own if you keep things like this Derek…"

"Don't worry Mom, I know for sure she wouldn't have an…" He didn't even want to think about that possibility. "…an abortion with such levity."

"Ok Derek, but you still need to sort things out right away." She knew her son could be very indecisive and a little push once in a while was necessary.

"I know Mom, deep down I do really know what I want, but it's so hard…"

"Good Der…" She was rudely interrupted by a female voice.

"Hey, you are skyping with Derek! Mom, tell him if I could I would smack him in the head with a bone hammer right now!" the voice exclaimed aggressively, but in a funny tone.

"I love you too, Nancy." God, he surely missed his sisters a lot, even Amy. "Got to go Mom, thank you, I really needed this talk, thank you, I love you."

"Love you too" And with that they logged off.

* * *

Addison is done with doing nothing. After venting to Nancy, she couldn't stay home and wander in her thoughts anymore. Surgery was the miracle fix. She looked through the surgical board searching for something good and chose an elective hysterectomy, delivering babies was not the kind of thing she felt like doing at the moment.

"Dr. Joshua, would you mind if I lent you a hand?" It was that easy to steal a surgery from a third-year resident. It went by so fast she wished she had took things slower not to have to face reality again. Uterus out, ovaries out, stitch her up and voila. That woman would live happily ever after without having to worry no more about burdens like the one she was carrying.

After scrubbing out she intended to go right to the surgical board again to search for another welcomed distraction. Maybe a freaking separation of Siamese twins, even thought that was not at all an emergency that would just pop up in the board it sure would take the time and skill that she needed to take her mind out of things. Addison wondered where Derek could be and her thoughts were confirmed when she saw is name written sown for a craniotomy at 5.00 pm in OR5. Of course, he did the same she did. For some time in their marriage they had been using that technique to run away from issues.

When she finally decided to take that juicy exploratory pelvic laparotomy she made sure to quickly make way to OR3, to make sure she had enough time to bargain with the resident. However that didn't seem like such a good idea when after turning the first corner at high speed she bumped head first right into someone. That person quickly grabbed her preventing her from falling and looking like a fool in front of the whole damn hospital. Hell, with her luck it was probably Meredith Grey of all people.

"Addison, we need to talk right now." And so husband and wife made their way to the nearest on-call room, dreading the moments that would follow.

**A.N - Sorry for taking such a long time to update, but school work speaks louder. I planned to make this story only three chapters long, but it looks like there will be more ^^ If you are still reading, please do say so in the comments, it makes me want to update faster ;)**


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